Spending new years eve with my best friend's now widowed husband stirred up all kinds of emotions for me. Aside from the typical new year reflections and resolutions, I was closer to our collective loss than usual.
Somehow, and I'm really not sure how, the world continued on after Candice left. Not a day has gone by that I haven't thought about her, missed her, and gotten at least a little sad about it. My life has been less fabulous and there has been a little grey cloud that has followed me around since I left her in Berkley. No matter how sunny it is, no matter how warm it is, this little grey cloud follows me. It's being able to cry at the drop of a hat. It's the weird hopeful feeling when you see her name on Facebook. It's teal sequins. And it's every damn time her picture falls over on my shrine.
I'm not over "it". I'm not over her. And I know I never will be.
There's something self indulgent about sadness, and in mourning, that can drag things out. I've noticed I've become even more insular than before. Fearful of loss, or whatever, no one can get into my tightest circle of friends right now and only the people that were there before, can get into my heart. My new year resolution is to get rid of the grey cloud. That's scary. I don't want to move on because this place is comfortable.
If I move on then that means all of this is real.
If I move on then that means I have to talk to people and try to make friends.
If I move on then that means I have to leave my house.
If I move on then that means I need to learn how to be fabulous.
At least I had a good teacher.
So moving forward, 2014 is the year I become fabulous.
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